Is this for Real?
by strange1
Summary: Set after season two. It's Bette's thoughts right after she brings Tina and the baby home from the hospital. One shot unless you want more.
1. Chapter 1

AN-This is my first 'L Word' fanfic. I've only seen the first two seasons as I don't have Showtime. I have read some spoilers for the other seasons, but I'm basically going blind after season two. This is set directly after season two ended. It's a Tina/Bette pairing. I hope you enjoy. Any feedback, good or bad, is greatly appreciated.

Bette was exhausted it had been a very emotional couple of months. First, she had done the unthinkable and cheated on Tina. That was the most unforgivable thing anyone could do. True, they had slowly drifted apart, but that was no excuse. Communication and trust were two of the basics any relationship should be based on.

There was also honesty. Once you lied, how could your partner ever trust you again? She had committed all three sins. The young woman had not communicated how she felt with Tina. Worse, she had not listened when her girlfriend had tried to communicate with her. Trust was broken and was so difficult to regain.

Her father's death had hit her hard as well. She had known he was getting older. But he had always been the strong and healthy one of the family. The fact that he could never accept Tina or the baby as part of the family had always hurt more than she could say. It cut her to her very core. It was how she realized how Kitt had felt all these years.

Something so amazing was happening for her now. Tina was asleep beside her. Their little one was asleep in the basinet beside them. Thought Angelica had her own room, the two wanted her as close as possible for awhile. It had been a fight to bring her into the world and not just the fact that there had been complications with the delivery. The very fact that her two moms were split made it a difficult way to bring a new life into the world.

But now, she had Tina back. Their family was complete. Would they ever add another little one to their love? Only time would tell. There was still a lot of hurt to be healed. There was a lot of trust to be rebuilt. Bette knew that she was the luckiest woman on the earth that Tina had even thought about forgiving her.

Now, it didn't seem real. The past few nights were so surreal. There had been very little time for the two lovers to make love. But it was so much more amazing the connection a baby brought to two people. Their lives were now complete in every way. They had found the person that made them whole. They love they shared was now multiplied by three.

Everything was as it should be in the lesbian's mind. Sure, they were going to have rough times ahead. She was still without a job. Tina supported her no matter what. It was a matter of time before things clicked for her on a professional level. In the meantime, she wanted to enjoy the family that she had.

Again, her thoughts went back to how surreal it felt. It was as if something were not quite right though everything felt more than right. Lying beside the woman you loved, how could it not be right? Having your little girl sleeping soundly near you, how could that not be right? Something deep down told her that it was right.

And yet, there was something else? What was it? Could it be fear? Could it be feeling they had not really gotten past everything? Could it be that things didn't always work out the way you wanted them to? Why did she feel that things were not as good as they felt?'

A soft voice broke her train of thought. "Aren't you sleepy?" Tina whispered.

"Exhausted." Bette leaned over and kissed her partner gently on the lips. "Just got a lot on my mind. But trust me when I say, I'm the happiest I've been in years. I never want us to be a part again."

"I agree." Tina smiled sleepily at her. "Now, wrap your arms around me and let's get some sleep. Won't be too long before it's feeding time."

"With pleasure." Bette wrapped both her arms around Tina. The two snuggled so closely, you could not tell where one started and the other ended. For now, the two were as one. They were a family.


	2. Chapter 2

AN-Had intended on this as a one shot fic but I had one very good review so here's another chapter. Hope you enjoy and if you want, I'll try and write more.

Another day and yet no real prospects for a job. It was getting frustrating for Bette. For so many years she had been the sole wage earner of the family. She had unconditionally supported Tina in whatever she had wanted to do. Though they had nearly gone their separate ways for good, one thing kept them together.

That was the one thing that kept her going as well. Though she loved Tina and wished that she wanted for nothing, the one thing that drove her more was little Angelica. The baby had stolen her heart the instant she was born. Even before that, just knowing that she was growing and thriving inside of her lover was an amazing thing. Of course, Tina had kept it from her. But had she had a good enough reason?

There was something else for her to think about. The relationship was already strained. They had settled into a nice routine. But that left no real time for just the two of them. They loved the baby, but that was also driving a wedge between them. The fact that Tina had kept it from her for so long hurt more than words could say.

So Bette sat in the kitchen having a rare moment to herself. Tina was off on a play date that had been made at a time when Bette was not available. Perhaps it was only because that was the only convenient time for the other children's family. But a part of her could not help but wonder if her partner had excluded her from things on purpose.

The lesbian took a deep breath and inhaled the lemony goodness in the herbal tea. It was supposed to help relax a person, but these days there was no relaxation in her life at all. Her focus was not like it had used to be. She was once such a driven person. But something was holding her back. What, she was not sure of. It was all part of the mystery that was her life now.

It was still making her wonder if this were all truly real. Like a repeating heartbeat, so was her love for Tina. That would never change no matter if they were able to work things out and be with one another. They had shared too much of themselves and knew each other too intimately for the two to ever totally stop loving one another. But was that enough? Was loving someone really the cure all for a relationship? Shouldn't there be more to a relationship than love and a child?

Bette took a sip of her tea and again tried to focus on her presentation for the next day's interview. She had not told Tina, but there were a few prestigious art galleries in New York that were after her. Word of what she had done for the CAC had spread quickly through the art community and she had a few offers. But none of them felt truly right. Nothing felt truly right anymore.

Closing her eyes tightly, Bette let herself wander just to a year ago. It was just before she had cheated on Tina. Things were going so good, as far as she knew. In just a year's time, things had gone so badly that the one she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with had left her and now she wasn't sure what she wanted out of life anymore.

One thing was for sure. She would do anything for her little girl. Though it would nearly kill her should she and Tina split up, she would me Angelica's other mother until the day that she died. Heaven help anyone that tried to get in the way of her and her daughter. That would be a fight to remember.


	3. Chapter 3

Bette was still in shock over what she had read only the day before. It had happened. Tina wanted something more than she could ever give her. Was her girlfriend actually going back to the land of men? Or was this just a reaction to the affair that she had not so long ago committed and would never stop punishing herself for.

Her mind was spinning out of control. The past few weeks, since Angelica had arrived, since Tina had moved back in, sine she had lost her job, had been confusing and exhilarating and terrifying all wrapped up into one. Never had so much changed so quickly in her life that it was difficult to deal with.

What was she to do? She could still go on that silent meditation. But that would be abandoning her little girl. That was something she was not sure she wanted to do right now, especially with Tina acting all strange. Already there had been signs where she would use their child against her. If only in little ways like it was time to breast feed. It was something she couldn't do for her little girl.

To top everything off, Tina was still the wage earner for the family. She had made it clear that money was becoming an issue, no louder so than after the credit card was declined at Jenny's welcome home dinner. Things had not been like this when her soon to be ex girlfriend had been the stay at home wife and she had been the wage earner.

It was true, what Tina had said about the added financial burden that a child brought to a family. She knew that she had not meant it in a derogatory manner just simply stating the facts of life. It was hard for her to relinquish what she had fought so hard for. She had been the one that was to bring dinner home and to make sure that all their needs were taken care of. Now, she looked to someone else. Someone that she loved with all her heart, but it did not make it any easier.

Sighing heavily, the young woman began to pack her things for the retreat. Tina would be home soon from her latest meeting with that guy that she had the hots for. The very thought of it sickened her to no end. Why was Tina having these feelings? Was it because she was no longer in love? Or was it more of a physical thing?

Bette wanted to scream. But her latest teachings had told her otherwise. Meditation was the answer. But how could she meditate if she could not concentrate on the simplest of tasks such as packing. Her life was changing at a dizzying pace. All she wanted was for clarity in life. She wanted to know that Tina would be there for her no matter what and that Angelica would forever be a part of her life.

None of these things were for certain anymore. None of these things could even be guaranteed until she came back home. Nothing was for certain anymore and that was enough to drive her insane. She had always been the one in control, the one knowing what to do. Now, she had no clue as to what to do with her life.

All she knew was that whatever job she ended up with, she wanted it to do with art. She wanted for Tina to be the one and only in her life. She wanted Angelica to forever be her little girl even when she was only enough to make her own choices in life. All she wanted was to know that her life would work out the way that she had planned. But life has no guarantees. So, she would have to start figuring things out and living life to the fullest. But that was easier said than done when her only love, her life, was having doubts about their future together.


	4. Chapter 4

AN-Sorry took so long to update. Hope it's worth the wait. Thanks a million for the reviews. Now I have two of you. Well, gotta count my better half. She's the one that keeps inspiring me to write. Hope you enjoy.

The retreat had done nothing more for Bette than to make her realize that you can't keep things bottled up. For some it might be a way to deal with things but not for her. She had gone nearly insane not being able to speak to anyone. Even with the silence, she had not really been able to find the peace and enlightenment that she had been fighting so hard for.

Tina still had her feelings toward men. How was she supposed to compete with that? It was not as if there was a specific man really. It was just this feeling that her former girlfriend had in general. Not so innocently it had started in a chat room on the internet. It had exploded into something so much more. If all it was just the fact that Tina was struggling with her feelings for Bette herself than perhaps there was something more she could do.

The lack of control frustrated her to no end. There was still the fact that she had no means of income at the moment. The closest she had come was when she had gone to Washington, DC to fight for the money the arts so desperately needed. She had that chance to cheat once again. But she had called Tina. But what had come of it?

If these were the only things she was dealing with she might not be as depressed and lost as she was. The past few months had been extremely difficult for another reason. She had just lost her father. That was hard enough. But on top of that, she had to watch one of her best friends deteriorate so quickly. One minute, Dana had been going in for a simple procedure. The next, they were all around her bedside because an infection had taken hold.

Watching her struggle not only physically but emotionally was excruciating. It went back to the fact that she could not help in anyway. There was that lack of control she so hated. Gladly she would have given anything to see Dana through. But slowly, looking back, she could see how her best friend had gone from a pro athlete to someone that could not even do the simplest of things for herself.

The one good thing had been watching Alice take care of her. Though it was also difficult, Dana had finally let the young writer back in her life. That was the circle of life for Bette. Though we go our separate ways some times, we find a way to move on and do the best we can. Alice had dropped everything in the blink of an eye to take care of the woman that she loved more than life herself.

Bette didn't want to think about having to do that. Watching Tina drift away was difficult enough as it was. How could she ever watch her slip slowly away from her with no hope of even seeing her again? So, Tina was with Henry now. But was she completely with him? Did she love him at all? Or was this just a phase?

Tears fell freely from the young woman's eyes. Not one to show her emotions, not even to Tina, she let them fall. She was grieving now. She was still grieving for her father. She was grieving for Dana and what the loss did to all of her friends. She was grieving because Tina was no longer hers. She was grieving because she wasn't in control anymore.

Her life was in a spiral now. How was she going to get her life back together? There was no way as long as Tina still wanted to be with men and not with her. The only thing that would make her life complete once again was to have her everything back in her life. The only thing that would make the tears not want to fall was if she woke up and this was all a nightmare. If she could just wake up and have Tina and Angelica next to her like the old days than she would once again be complete. If only…


	5. Chapter 5

AN-Wow am I blushing from the latest reviews. Thanks a million for taking the time to read and to review. Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

It had been stupid to kidnap Angelica. Of course, in her mind she had not really kidnapped her own daughter. She had taken her so that Tina could not keep her from seeing her. Since the adoption had never taken place, she had no legal rights to her own baby girl. And that drove her nearly insane. How could she lose Tina and lose Angelica at the same time?

It was partially her own fault. She had let that darn lawyer talk her into filing for sole custody of Angelica. Though it was going to be hard to be around Tina, especially with Henry right there, it would have been worth it so that it had not come to this. Here she was sitting in a restaurant asking if anyone had a sippy cup.

But that was the parent's responsibility. What kind of a parent was she if she was going to not even have the simplest of necessities that a baby needed. There were also diapers to think about and wipes. She was batting a thousand with this latest debacle. Her life was still continuing to spiral out of control. And who did she have to thank?

Bette sighed softly as she tried to get baby girl to drink from a straw. She knew very well who she had to thank for her life being so far out of control. The moment that she let some kind of physical attraction get the better of her, that was when she let her own life get so out of hand. Had she done the right thing and said no to the feelings that she had toward Candace then perhaps things would not have turned out the way that she had forced them to.

Or was she blaming everything on herself? Was it fair that everything that had gone wrong in their relationship had fallen solely on her shoulders? The fact that she had cheated and kept it from Tina was the greatest of sins; she was not going to argue that with anyone. But after they had gotten back together, Tina had also hidden things. She had turned her away when the young art lover had needed her the most.

Sighing, she wiped away a bit of ketchup that had found its way onto Angelica's favorite shirt. She would have to find some way of getting that stain out. It would be difficult she knew. And of course, even if she couldn't it wouldn't be long and the little one would have outgrown it anyways. That seemed to be how things were these days. Everyone was outgrowing everyone else.

Shane had left Carmen at the altar. It wasn't that long ago that Dana had left Alice. Kit had realized that her relationship with Benjamin could lead nowhere since she did not want to be the one that caused his marriage to end. It was as if there was not a relationship out there that could stand the test of time not even those that seemed to be destined together.

That may sound selfish and self serving but she had thought since the moment that she and Tina had gotten together that they were one of the lucky destined ones. Perhaps she was wrong as she kept finding herself being over the past few months. Their relationship had been everything to her and she had found a way to mess it up and in a big way.

This was the path that she must follow so that she could perhaps make up for what had been done. It was selfish and possibly not right to want it but the one thing that she wanted more than anything in her life was Tina back. But what path would that take for her to find the arms that she so wanted surrounding her? And would it last forever as she had originally conceived? Only time would tell if anything she had thought before was really for real.


	6. Chapter 6

AN-Not sure how long I can keep this one going seeing I heard the sad news that The L Word soon will not be airing. Have to wait and see what season six brings us. Anyways, hope you enjoy and thanks for any input good or bad.

Joyce was not a good person in Bette's mind. But there was one thing that she would be eternally grateful to the lawyer from hell for. She had stopped and made both herself and Tina stop and see what they were doing. The lawyer had kept them from doing something stupid. It had kept their family intact, at least for now.

It gave her a new sense of hope for their relationship. Slowly, Tina's relationship with Henry had dissolved and that too gave her a bit of hope. Her own love life had been something else. There was nothing really there. There was one attraction she felt but that seemed almost totally physical at the moment. Would it develop into anything more?

Only time would tell. Her new job was going well. There had been that little bit of a hiccup when she had done the stupid thing and slept with her teaching assistant. It was not that she was not a nice young woman but it was so inappropriate for her to have even thought about starting any kind of relationship. Especially when it was most likely only going to be a physical relationship.

That was one thing she would regret and hoped would not one day come back to haunt her. There were too many things in her past that already haunted her. The most glaring was the fact that she had destroyed something in a moment of weakness that had taken seven years to build. The two had and would be the quintessential couple. They had been meant to be forever until she had stupidly gone and done what she had.

Only time would tell if things would work out the way that she had once hoped they would. But after having met Jodi, an amazing artist, things were not as clear as they once had been. For the first time since their breakup, she found herself thinking about someone other than Tina all the time. Her ex was there more than fifty percent but still to have someone else break through that force that Tina seemed to have was something amazing.

Her mind came back to the present as Tina was due any moment to pick up Angelica. It had been her day to have her on her own. That was still the greatest thing that she was eternally grateful for. Through luck and circumstances she still had her daughter in her life any time that she wanted. It was a beacon of hope that one day, whether with Tina or not, her life would return to some semblance of normalcy.

Until then, she would have to live her life from day to day and make the best choices she could. Her life had changed so much since her little baby girl was born. Not only did she have to be financially responsible she had to be ethically responsible. The past was something she would have to learn from so that she didn't make the same mistakes as before. And she wanted to be a good person, someone that Angelica could look up to.

The phone rang. Her heart sang until she saw that it was Jodi's number. Of course, it would be her interpreter on the other line. But the woman was the one doing the talking. Funny how her heart just didn't sing like it did when it was Tina on the other line. Everything about her sang 

when it was Tina on the other line. It nearly screamed when it was her ex that was there in front of her. And when she touched her it nearly exploded.

But that door had been closed. Hadn't it? For there was hope as long as they had the connection of Angelica. As long as they breathed, there was hope. For no matter how attracted she was or even if she thought she could really love Jodi, there was only one real love in her life. That would forever be Tina. And without her in her life, she would not be complete. She would only be half of a heart trying to beat and move on the best that she could. Until someday…


	7. Chapter 7

AN-Thanks as always for feedback. Hope you enjoy the latest installment.

What was she doing? Bette lay in bed with Jodi lying next to her. They were spooned together and it should be the greatest feeling she ever had. But it just was not what she wanted. Why had she pursued the relationship so vehemently? Was it the fact that she wanted to be in control? Or was it because she was afraid of going for what she had really wanted?

All the time that she had struggled in her relationship with Jodi it was Tina she had gone to for advice. It was awkward but there was no one that knew her the way that her ex did. If anyone could help her win back the woman that she thought she loved it would be Tina. And she had. That was the insane part.

It was Tina that had suggested it had to be a grand gesture and not flowers or something along those lines. So Bette had, with the help of Alice and Shane, broken the law and stolen the old sign off the building that was to be condemned anyway. It was a piece that Jodi had greatly coveted and had worked the magic originally intended by the art enthusiast.

But now things were changing again. Tina was single and she was back in the land of girls. Her ex was even starting to date now. But it was nothing serious. Their shared dinner had been disastrous. It had lead to more feelings and more confusion for both women. So lying here with the woman that she was supposed to be in love with was not feeling all that great.

The two women were just too different. Though she loved many things about Jodi there was no way that she could see her spending the rest of her life with her. That thought was reserved for Tina and only Tina. The two had even nearly slept together. It was not something that she wanted to pursue.

But there was something pulling her toward Tina. It was like a moth to a flame. In her heart, she knew it was wrong as long as she was still in the committed relationship with Jodi. But her heart was telling her and her head that she needed to get out. She needed to free herself so that she could be with Tina once again. The two would forever belong together.

There was one problem and it was a big one. How did you break someone's heart? How did you tell them that you no longer felt that love that you once thought you did? Especially when this was the first truly committed relationship that Jodi had ever allowed herself to be in. What would the consequence be if she found out that in her heart, Bette had already cheated?

The young woman disentangled herself from her lover's grip and walked out onto the patio. The cool clean air hit her as well as the calming scent of the pool water. Her life had never been simple but now it was nearly unbearable. She had a love that many would kill for and yet it did not make her happy.

There was only one person on the face of the earth that would ever make her truly happy. She would have to talk with Tina and see if she felt the same way. If the two were still in love like she perceived, she would have to tell Jodi and then the two could be together like she wanted. It would be as if the two had never been a part.

But they had been and it had done things to their relationship. If they got back together than would they find that they were stronger for having gone through the things that they had? Or would they find that things had changed too much for them to be the once happy couple. Only time would tell what in her life was real and what was not. Time.


End file.
